NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Bob Barker is retiring. The pain is just too unbearable.


Nobody needs to point out the irony in that this is the article I choose to post after saying that I need to become more informed about world issues.

I will say this, The Price is Right has been on a downward slide ever since they fired Janice and Kathleen. I have actually boycotted the show ever since. I mean, how can you not love these two:


You would think she won her own freakin' island or something. It's just great!


Hotness!

So, they fire these two in favor of a batch of new, plastic models. THEN, it gets worse. Rod Roddy dies!


He's completely irreplaceable.

And now Bob Barker will leave. Last nail in the coffin for TPIR, I think. :(

Positive Life Choice!

I've recently decided that because I have absolutely no idea what's going on in the world, I'm making it a rule that every time I check a blog, I have to check BBC News. I would check an American news source, but let's face it, just about every American news source has become so sensationalist or politically slanted (left OR right). The BBC actually reports what's happening AND lets YOU decide what you think about it! What a concept.

Who let this happen??

On this flop of an album, Jessica Simpson, queen of bad cover songs, managed to sink to a new low. Didn't think you could get lower than her rendition of Take My Breath Away? Have a listen. She remade You Spin Me Round (Like a Record). Trust me, you won't be able to stand more than the 30-second iTunes sample.

There's an FCC. This should have been nipped in the bud.

Um...

Nothing says "Reputable Financial Establishment" quite like dancing cowboys:

Bitchfest 2006! LET'S GET READY TO RUMBLE!

Today in Starbucks, waiting for Steve:

Woman: Excuse me, is this seat taken?
Me: Yeah, sorry. A friend is joining me in a couple minutes.
Bitch Formerly Known as "Woman": Well, MY friend is already here.
Me: Good for her.
BFKaW: So, I'm just going to take this. She needs a place to sit.
Me: As I said, a friend is joining me, and he will need a place to sit. He's running a few minutes late. Sorry.
BFKaW's Visibly Embarrassed, Mentally Stable Friend: Stace, he has a friend coming...
BFKaW, ignoring VEMSF: Unfortunately, that's his problem.
Me: Are you for real? I can't even believe I'm having this conversation.

It's important to note that at this point, I wanted to say "I can't believe you even have friends" but since her friend was obviously embarrassed, I decided not to rub salt in the wound by pointing out her poor choice in friends.

BFKaW: What's your problem?
Me: You, isn't it obvious? Normally, you may be able to bully your way into getting what you want because most people are dumbstruck at your audacity. I'm not one of those people. Now, you can go try your act on someone else, or we can continue to argue until my friend actually does get here. Your choice.

She walked away. I recently resolved to try and be a nicer person, even to stupid people, but even her friend knew this bitch had it coming.

Why is sparkling water better than regular water?

I kind of don't get it. And not in a way that I flat out hate people who drink sparkling water. It just confuses me. I don't find it refreshing. To me it tastes bitter. Give me Aquafina over Perrier any day.

So I suggested that my co-worker try to seduce our rich client's 10-year-old last night. As a joke. Sort of.

True story.

This made me laugh.

"Consumers want choice!"

If I read one more article by some nitwit claiming Apple NEEDS to license its FairPlay music/video copy protection (DRM) technology (compatible only with iTunes and the iPod) because "consumers want choice!", I'm going to cut a bitch. These are people who obviously need to pick up an Ayn Rand novel and get a clue.

Let's get one thing straight, consumers HAVE choice. They can choose to buy CDs and rip them to any music program (including iTunes) DRM-free to use on any MP3 player (including the iPod). They can choose to buy any iPod competitor and shop at a different download store. They can buy music at iTunes, burn it to CD, then rip it into any other program. Consumers DO have choice, but the other choices aren't as easy or as elegant, which is why over 75% of people are choosing iPod+iTunes. And THAT, my friends, is what has competitors getting desperate.

If consumers wanted "choice" (in the way these competitors and authors are defining it), they'd go with Microsoft's Plays for Shit amalgam of devices and stores. Obviously, consumers prefer the simplicity and ease of iPod+iTunes over the mish-mosh of incompatible stores and players. Competitors are only concerned with consumer "choice" because they can't get their foot in the door any other way, so they plead the case of the consumer. It's so fucking transparent it's ridiculous. They want Apple to bastardize the iPod+iTunes ecosystem by licensing it to others, which will introduce problems and complications into the system as Apple attempts to keep everything compatible. This, in turn, completely degrades the quality of the product consumers are getting and tarnishes Apple's brand. The most nonsensical part of all this is that they'd be giving up market share and revenue in the process!

Who wins here? Those not smart enough to beat Apple with a better system, and nobody else. The suggestion is so absurd it's beyond comprehension.

There's also a lot of bruhaha about Apple's virtual monopoly on the digital download space. Apple has yet to abuse its powerful position. Prices keep getting lower and lower while the products do more. The first 5GB iPod was $399. The current 30GB video iPod is $249. Because Apple is manufacturing more, iPods cost less to manufacture, and Apple is passing that savings to consumers. Stranger things have happened, but I don't see Apple abusing its position in the future. Leave that to Microsoft. I see it fighting for prices it believes reasonable, as it continues to do with record labels and movie studios. I see it maintaining its installed base by offering products more innovative than competitors can dream up.

Apple needs to keep doing what it's doing: innovate, expand the offering, and offer products at a reasonable price. There may come a time when it makes sense for Apple to license FairPlay, and THEN Apple should do so. Now is not the time.

Don't be fooled by these phony pleas in favor of the consumer. These asshats only know what's best for weak-minded, bloodsucking leeches who want to capitalize on somebody else's idea while putting forth no effort of their own. Do your research and buy the system that's best for you. Speak with your wallet.

Um...

What on earth would posess a toy company to create a Baby's First Pole Dance kit? I'm no prude, but there's something seriously wrong with a six-year-old watching a DVD suggesting dance moves, then pulling out her pole and showing them off for the fam. You gotta draw the line somewhere.

This cat is my hero.

For those of you who haven't met them already...

I think now is the perfect time to introduce you to the girls at Go Fug Yourself. Genius every time.

UPDATE: I love these two.

Keith Mastrion is haunting me!

Well, probably not. He's the 1998 National Teacher of the Year, so he's probably still alive. Semantics.

Every single Starbucks latte I've had this month has had The Way I See It #181 by Keith Mastrion on it. EVERY SINGLE LATTE. And as wise as The Way I See It #181 is, it's starting to freak me out. I fear the only thing that will end the madness is the November 1 transition to the red holiday cups (and thus, my transition from Pumpkin Spice lattes to Gingerbread lattes or Peppermint hot chocolates).

Now, you all know how often I go to Starbucks. That's a lot of lattes. AND THEY'VE ALL HAD THE SAME THE WAY I SEE IT ON THEM. And every time I go with a friend, they get a different one. So it's not like there are only 3 or something. There are at least a dozen, and I end up with the same one EVERY TIME. Different times of day. Different Starbucks in different boroughs.

Apparently the universe wants me to use better metaphors, help kids read, or stop drinking so much damn espresso. I'm going to go home and burn incense to get rid of these evil spirits.

Oh who am I kidding? Incense is for hippies.

The Way I See It #181
A child's mind isn't a blank slate; it's more of a jungle. Each time a parent helps a toddler read, the child is walked through this jungle from one side to the other. Trip after trip, a seemingly impossible passage becomes a well-worn path. Children sent to kindergarten skipping merrily along this path to literacy fare far better than those sent to school with machetes.

– Keith Mastrion
"Reading Man" and 1998 National Teacher of the Year

Figures they'd ruin it.

I'm absolutely livid over this.

All summer, people have been in an uproar about Madonna performing Live to Tell on a cross. I find it interesting that none of the people who were outraged enough to write about it bothered to take 5 minutes, go to YouTube, and actually watch the performance:



It's pretty clear what this is about. It's not an attack on the church. Is it controversial or maybe even shocking? Yeah, of course. But it's a plea for compassion and help, not an attack or publicity stunt.

It's just a shame that people couldn't be bothered challenging their own religious views by watching the actual performance.

Hello.

God bless middle and high school teachers...

...for dealing with teenagers every day...

Me: ::::Half-Turn of Disgust™::::
Teenage Waste of Space: What's your problem?
Me: Um, the entire train car is practically empty yet you and your vapid little friend here feel the need to stand right on top of me.
TWoS: Nobody talks to me like that!
Me: If you recall, I only responded to you. Maybe you should use your parents' money to get yourself an attitude adjustment instead of the latest atrocity from The Pussycat Dolls.
TWoS's Friend: That's my friend you're talking to!
Me: Thanks for the update. Now that that's cleared up, I suggest you both keep your mouths shut before I shred you.

...because as you can see, I can't deal with them. Especially at 8:30 AM.

Effin' football!

Every fucking week I turn on CBS on Sunday at 8 to watch The Amazing Race, and every fucking week all I see is Leslie Stahl (whose interviews only get interesting if she starts to squirm because she forgot to put on her Depends) or Andy Rooney (whose rants about how he didn't have KFC as a kid and his mother made fried chicken at home are never interesting).

Why do I see these people? BECAUSE THE FOOTBALL GAME HAS GONE OVER. AGAIN. And apparently, they can't cut off the sports commentators to get the schedule back on time. So my shows don't come on on time because:

1. Apparently this shit can't be aired on ESPN, who knows why.
2. John Madden needs to spout off nonsense like "Well, the Redskins won today 'cause they put the most points on the board!"

Fuck you, NFL.

And you know what, now that the Race is on, I'm getting really sick and tired of the pretty boys talking about their addiction. We get it. I know it sounds really unsympathetic, but I seriously just can't take it any more. These two are like a broken fucking record.

Take the JFJ train.

Ok, you don't live very long in New York without passing by Jews for Jesus handing out leaflets in the subway. The first time I saw them, I thought "hmmm... that's... interesting..." and backed away slowly. But after I really thought about it, it sort of made sense. I figured these were just Jewish people who didn't believe Jesus was the Son of God but that He was a pretty nice guy who had some really smart things to say about treating others with respect and dignity and generally trying to make the world a better place. Makes sense, right?

Boy was I wrong.

Basically, the Jews for Jesus schtick (ha) is that they believe that Jesus was the Messiah and they worship Him as such. But they're not Christians. NO NO NO. They want to retain their Jewish heritage. So they're Jewish, but they believe Jesus is our Lord and saviour.

Now some of you are asking "what the hell business is this of yours, asshat? Let these people call themselves and believe whatever they want." I WOULD, but then I'd be ignoring the HYPOCRISY of the whole thing. You see, Rabbi Minsch made Charlotte give up Christmas when she converted to Judaism to marry Harry on Sex and the City. "Not even a Christmas tree," he said. This, of course, prompted Char to set up a Christmas tree and play Bing Crosby in the middle of the summer to say good-bye to Christmas before she was officially Jewish. If Charlotte the devout Episcopalian can give up Christmas for the man she loves, I say you people can give up your holidays for Jesus and eternal glory in Heaven, damn it!

Now, I am by far no expert on Jews for Jesus. I tried reading about it, but let's face it, their web site is just bizarre. I couldn't stay there long enough to read much more without worrying about my brain exploding. I can however, write about it:


As you can see, the road to salvation begins not in your heart, but on the A subway line right here in New York. You catch the JFJ train at Platform 9 3/4 in Canal St. station. Don't forget your magic Star of David tokens or vintage T-shirts of invisibility!

Christ.

I done been slapped by the cruel hand of discrimination.

On the subway home Monday, some passengers and I were victims of discrimination (they were just as outraged as I was, I'm sure). I sit down and start playing solitaire on my iPod when the woman across the aisle hands the person next to me a leaflet. This, of course, made me want to know what leaflet I believed I was going to decline taking within the next 30 seconds, so I glanced up and saw the book she was reading:


The line that's cut off says in Mind. Sorry, it's the best photo I could find on this here Interweb. Sidebar: Is that Wentworth Miller on the cover? If so, I'm definitely converting.

Anyway, I was expecting to be handed MY leaflet in the next few seconds, but no leaflet came. I looked up out of the corner of my eye to see what was going on, and the woman was just reading her book, minding her own business. "Maybe that was her last leaflet," I think.

WRONG.

No sooner did the thought leave my mind and she gave a leaflet to the guy standing next to her. AND she pulled an entire stack out of her bag. Why wasn't she attempting to save ME (or most of the other people on the train for that matter)? It wasn't until she handed out her third, fourth, and fifth pamphlets that I recognized the common thread between those she was reaching out to: they were all African-American. THE INJUSTICE OF IT ALL. At this point, I caught her eye and gave her the New York half-smile (you can't give a full smile to a stranger in New York without reason unless you want people to think you're a nutjob). Not even that little acknowledgement got a leaflet out of her. Clearly, I am unworthy of salvation because I'm white!

Or that woman was just incredibly perceptive and sensed my shriveled, black heart of tar was a lost cause.

Let's Zuiikin' English!

These have entertained me far too much the last couple weeks. Carve out a good 15 minutes for this.



Even the public gets involved!



And speaking of "hasta la vista, baby..."



UPDATE: This last clip is actually from the series finale! They decided to mix it up and have the Zuiikin' Boys teach Japanese to the foreigners.



Remember, the Japanese love ambiguity! There's no point in trying to learn the phrases' meanings. Just memorize them.

When are politicians going to start dealing with the REAL issues?

Forget education, the homeless, minority issues, and the rest of that nonsense... When are politicians going to start making the subway a more pleasant experience? They can start doing this by banning two things: teenagers and backpacks.

I have, in the past, suggested sending all teenagers to Madagascar until they're 18. Let's face it, adolescence is a miserable time in everyone's life (whether you know it then or realize it later), and quite frankly, I see no reason why they should be hanging around making the rest of us miserable as well. For those of you who've found yourself asking "Why DOES Madagascar exist," I'm convinced this is what it was invented for.

Be that as it may, most other people have yet to decipher that little riddle of life and continue to allow these miscreants to infest the streets and subways. You see, here in New York, we get spoiled during the summer and forget to enjoy an almost teenage-free commute. Then, Labor Day rolls around, and they head back to school, monopolizing seats and lazily refusing to move a millimeter more than necessary on their way there.

Here's my proposed solution: force them to take the buses. The bus is a miserable experience anyway so nobody would notice the difference, AND (here's where the true genius of the idea comes in) the bus takes longer. The more time they spend on the bus, the less time they can spend loitering in front of Pino's and Maggie Moo's.

Now, you would think that banning teenagers would effectively ban backpacks by proxy, because what adult in their right mind wears a backpack? To work? With a suit? The answer to this is: far too many. First, the space taken up by that extra crap on your back is space someone could be standing in. And second, people constantly bash their backpack into other people (namely, me) because since it's not ACTUALLY a part of your body, that means it can't violate other people's personal space. To grown men (and a lesser extent, women) who use a backpack daily: backpacks are for hiking and carrying schoolbooks. Get your ass up to Bloomingdales and buy a Jack Spade bag, already.

While I'm clearing the pictures off my phone...

It's time to sing the praises of one the best but often overlooked garnishes: the maraschino cherry.

Without maraschino cherries, you couldn't have:

1. Apple martinis: enough said.
2. Ice cream sundaes: without the cherry, you've just got ice cream with stuff on top of it.
3. Cherry coke: before you start, I'm not talking about the bottle or fountain shit. I'm talking about a REAL Cherry Coke made with grenadine and Coke (topped with a cherry, obviously).
4. Grandma's fruit salad: it also has marshmallows. And if that doesn't make my grandma better than yours, she also makes egg nog pie at Christmas.

And what the fuck kind of place would the world be without those four things? Pretty bleak, if you ask me. Hell, half the time I order an apple martini JUST TO GET THE CHERRY. The vodka is just a pleasant surprise...

Plus, they float!


I rest my case.

I'm all hot and crusty.

Naming your restaurant chain Hot and Crusty is a lot like communism or the Pomegranate Frappuccino: good only in theory.

SPOILER ALERT!

To quote Star Jones (ugh): Something has been weighing on my heart recently.


Two weeks ago, it was leaked that Emmy-award nominated Vincent Irizzary was being released from his contract on All My Children for the typical "storyline and budgetary" reasons. What's that I smell? BULLSHIT.

Jen and I are going to take a moment of silence and mourn.

FUCK YOU, ABC! Just when I think they couldn't do anything dumber than making Josh Madden Erica Kane's aborted fetus "all grown up" (if you don't know, you don't want to)...

Vincent Irizarry is one of the most talented actors on the show, and David Hayward is quite possibly the best villain ever. To prove why, here are the five best Wayward Hayward moments of all time (in no particular order):

1. David Knows Maria: In quite possibly the most ingenious twist EVER on the Back From the Dead With Amnesia^® storyline, Maria Grey didn't really die in the plane crash. David found her on the beach and nursed her back to health using an experimental drug of his own development which erased her memory as a side effect (see, they name side effects in drug commercials FOR A REASON). He coincidentally ended up in Pine Valley months later, saw a picture of Maria at Wildwind, but kept her away so that nobody would find out he accidentally erased her memory. I have to say, my jaw HIT THE FLOOR when Maria called David the first time (as we had no idea he had been involved until that point).
2. Libidozone: David accidentally drugs an entire yacht full of people with the aphrodesiac Libidozone; maritime orgy ensues. He had intended just to slip it to Tad to get him to cheat on Dixie.
3. Dixie, Part Deux: Met Di Kirby while visiting Krystal in prison and realized she had a startling resemblance to Dixie. To get revenge on Tad and JR, upon her release, he convinces her to pretend to be Dixie back from the dead with a newly reconstructed face (Dix was believed to have died in a car crash four years prior, turns out the asshat had actually been slutting it up in Europe... I hate this sanctimonious whore). Unbeknownst to him (and everyone except Del), Di was really Dixie's half-sister, thus, she fooled everyone when the DNA test proved her to be a blood relative.
4. Nemeses: When blackmailing Allie into getting back together with him didn't work, he drugged Adam to give him a heart attack and blamed Jake, making Adam the first of David's many nemeses. The rivalry between Hayward and Adam is second only to the rivalry between Hayward and Tad.
5. Any Scene With Vanessa: Any scene between Hayward and his socialite-turned-sociopath drug overlord mother was fantastic. Two great characters gone...

Given the shitty state this show is in right now, I don't see how they can afford to lose Hayward. Here's to hoping they don't kill him off.

Rocking My World A Thousand Different Ways

Now before you people make fun of me for capitalizing an indefinite article, capitalizing "a" was purely intentional! As a pun!


This is, by far, the worst album I've ever heard. I don't care what he says, no self-respecting heterosexual male would remake ANY Celine Dion song. For your entertainment, here's the tracklist:

1. Right Here Waiting
2. Lonely No More
3. Without You
4. Every Time You Go Away
5. Sorry Seems to Be the Hardest Word
6. When I See You Smile
7. A Thousand Days
8. Everything I Do (I Do It For You)
9. Because You Loved Me Gag me!
10. I Want to Know What Love Is
11. These Open Arms
12. Here You Come Again
13. Everything I Have
14. Broken Wings

I don't see how this album could possibly have been made for anyone other than Claymates (aka, 300 lb. women with 16 cats) who have been waiting in line to buy this at Wal-Mart since June.

Now, if you want to make fun of me for stringing all those prepositions together, BE MY GUEST.