Take the JFJ train.

Ok, you don't live very long in New York without passing by Jews for Jesus handing out leaflets in the subway. The first time I saw them, I thought "hmmm... that's... interesting..." and backed away slowly. But after I really thought about it, it sort of made sense. I figured these were just Jewish people who didn't believe Jesus was the Son of God but that He was a pretty nice guy who had some really smart things to say about treating others with respect and dignity and generally trying to make the world a better place. Makes sense, right?

Boy was I wrong.

Basically, the Jews for Jesus schtick (ha) is that they believe that Jesus was the Messiah and they worship Him as such. But they're not Christians. NO NO NO. They want to retain their Jewish heritage. So they're Jewish, but they believe Jesus is our Lord and saviour.

Now some of you are asking "what the hell business is this of yours, asshat? Let these people call themselves and believe whatever they want." I WOULD, but then I'd be ignoring the HYPOCRISY of the whole thing. You see, Rabbi Minsch made Charlotte give up Christmas when she converted to Judaism to marry Harry on Sex and the City. "Not even a Christmas tree," he said. This, of course, prompted Char to set up a Christmas tree and play Bing Crosby in the middle of the summer to say good-bye to Christmas before she was officially Jewish. If Charlotte the devout Episcopalian can give up Christmas for the man she loves, I say you people can give up your holidays for Jesus and eternal glory in Heaven, damn it!

Now, I am by far no expert on Jews for Jesus. I tried reading about it, but let's face it, their web site is just bizarre. I couldn't stay there long enough to read much more without worrying about my brain exploding. I can however, write about it:


As you can see, the road to salvation begins not in your heart, but on the A subway line right here in New York. You catch the JFJ train at Platform 9 3/4 in Canal St. station. Don't forget your magic Star of David tokens or vintage T-shirts of invisibility!

Christ.