Fuck You and Your Stupid Hips, Shakira!

Now you have it in your head, too. You're welcome.

It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year!

This could easily be a post about how pissed off I am that my parents' Macy*s already has a Christmas tree up. Granted it's off in the corner, but still... Anyway, this post is about fall – the most wonderful time of the year not honored in song.

First, it's one of the few times of the year where I can wear all 3 of my favorite articles of clothing: the sweater, the jean (or jeans PLURAL if you're particularly adventurous), and the sandal. There are few precious nights a year where it's just cool enough to warrant a breathable sweater (cashmere, the love of my life) but warm enough to get away with wearing sandals... at least if you're drunk enough not to feel your feet.

Also, fall means it's time to make the for Pumpkin Spice and Gingerbread lattes at Starbucks. It's like daylight savings time, but the hour of sleep I lose comes from excessive caffeine intake. Every year, I get my first venti, down the thing in less than 30 mins, and get the shakes because my body hasn't had any measurable amount of caffeine since switching to Passion Tea Lemonades in April. BUT THIS YEAR GETS BETTER, MY FRIENDS. Starbucks has added Maple flavors to the lineup. I have yet to try one, but the caps tell you how excited I am to do so.

As a side note, Starbucks and I have recently made up. I had been angry with Starbucks all summer for getting into bed with that formulaic spelling bee movie, but the minute the Pumpkin Spice goodness hit me, I forgave them.

However, BY FAR the best reason that fall is the best time of year is PREMIERE SEASON. This is the week that my DVR gets shocked back into reality after a summer of sipping mai-tais on the lanai with Big Brother's Julie Chen. Here's the lowdown on the 4 (yes, only 4) returning shows to my lineup:

The Amazing Race: Solid Television, as always.

Survivor: Race Wars: Acceptable. But would have benefited from a 90-minute or 2-hour premiere. 20 castaways on 4 tribes is a lot of people to get to know.

On second thought, everyone on each tribe is the same race, and therefore, the same person. KIDDING.

Desperate Housewives: Cautiously Optimistic. The season thankfully opens 6 months after the lackluster sophomore season's finale, and we're right in the thick of drama. The good news is, there was a lot of time where the girls were together, which is what was really missing from last season.

Grey's Anatomy: McOK. Grey's was alright, but I'm really sick of the McDouchebag/McIdiot storyline. 1. He's an asshole. 2. Why the hell is she such a catch, anyway! AND BRING BACK SASSY BAILEY, DAMN IT! And by the way, Addison, you're SO BETTER OFF with McSteamy.

Not a lot left from last year, is there? I'm sure I'll find something new to fill the void... Ugly Betty, Studio 60, or perhaps – and I'm going on a limb here – some semblance of a love life.

Flip That House!

I went home Labor Day weekend and watched HGTV and TLC with my mother basically all weekend. I got sucked into a Flip That House! marathon and stayed up until like 5am watching these people. I now want to quit my job and become a flipper. These people make serious cash if they're not completely stupid. Plus, I'm a damn good graphic/environmental designer which is not at all far off from an interior designer. I could make a mint.

What I really love is that now they have added this professional flipper to come and give them advice on the best way to improve the house and make more money AND THESE IDIOTS DON'T FOLLOW HER ADVICE! Time and time again they ignore what she has to say and the house ends up on the market for months on end as they have to carry the mortgage. Example: this annoying, bitchy former ice-skating twit and her poor, unfortunate husband buy a 2BR house in a family neighborhood to flip. Now, Smart Nice Millionairess Flipper Lady (you know, What's-Her-Name) listens to everything they want to do with the house and makes a MAJOR recommendation and that is to put a roof over the patio and turn it into a third bedroom (because it's a family neighborhood and the extra bedroom would be attractive to potential buyers). They didn't do it. The house has been sitting on the market for months but "they're convinced they'll find the right buyer." Yeah, good luck.

Anyway, if any of you have a couple million to spare and would like to fund my real estate dreams, you know where to contact me.