Positive Life Choice!

C is for Carrot

Ok, this is so 3 months ago, but since I didn't rant about it then, I'm going to rant about it now.

First, PBS cancels Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego?, now this. You see, kids, Cookie Monster is now going to eat healthy foods and learn moderation because child obesity is becoming a serious problem. This country is in a pathetic state when a wonky-eyed muppet has more control over what a child eats THAN FUCKING PARENTS DO.


This has always been my favorite Got Milk ad.

Seriously. If I wanted a cookie and my mother didn't think I needed one, she said "no." And you know what, I rarely asked for them because she always said "no." The problem here is NOT kids asking for sweets; the problem is that parents won't say no! If all parents buy is pre-packaged process food garbage, that's all the kids will eat, and we'll still have a childhood obesity problem. Parents are the fucking problem here, not kids.

I had very little sugar as a kid. Soda was something we had only at restaurants, and even then we could only have Sprite if the restaurant didn't have Spritzers (not wine coolers, those fruit sodas). McDonald's was a rare treat, and my mother froze fruit juice for ice pops (and quite frankly, most kids thought that making your own ice pops was the coolest thing ever). And we weren't allowed to have other snacks until we ate a piece of fruit. What does this all mean? PARENTS: YOU HAVE CONTROL OVER WHAT THE FUCK YOUR KIDS EAT. And if you think you don't, then you need to be sterilized so you can't bring another baby in this world to pork up.

Child obesity is a reflection of poor parenting, plain and fucking simple. Leave Cookie Monster alone.

Effin' tourists!

Tourists and their stupid cameras should really have to stay on double-decker buses south of Broadway. Like people on Wall St. have time for this shit:

Tourist: Excuse me, how do I get to 9/11?
Me: You mean the World Trade Center? (in an uncharacteristically nice voice, I swear I wasn't baiting her)
Tourist: No, I mean 9/11.
Me: Hop in a time machine and head back about 5 years.
Tourist: :::dumbfounded stare:::
Me: If you want to see the World Trade Center site – the site that was attacked on September 11, 2001 – it's 3 blocks up that way.

Can you just turn your iPod off?

UPDATE: The hippies are now starting to infest Brooklyn! The epidemic is crossing the river! Don't "save the children"... Save yourselves!

Summer in New York City means a lot of things, many of them nice. Hippies with clipboards are not one of those nice things.

Every summer, these self-righteous blowhards arrive to try to make the world a better place by getting you to sign a piece of paper so you get bombarded with junk mail from whatever the hell charity wants your money.

In principle, taking a cause to the streets doesn't bother me. What utterly pisses me off about these people is that – unlike the bums, people handing out fast food coupons, street vendors, and basically anyone else who uses street marketing – they ignore social cues (head down, averting eye contact, etc.) and are persistent to the point of being obnoxious and rude. If a simple "I'm not interested" were enough to get these people to leave me alone, I could probably learn to tolerate them. But like a Jehovah's witness going door-to-door, these people don't take "no" for an answer.

Last weekend, I was sitting in Union Square reading and minding my own fucking business when one of these idiots comes up to me and the conversation goes like this:

Hippie: Do you have a few minutes?
Me: Sorry, I'm not interested.
Hippie: Oh, if you turned off your iPod for a couple minutes, I bet you'll change your mind.
Me: How much?
Hippie: Excuse me?
Me: You said you'd bet I'll change my mind. How much do you want to bet? I won't take out my headphones for less than $100.
Hippie: Ok, I'll bet you $100 I can change your mind in just a couple minutes.
Me: Put it right here [on the bench between us].
Hippie: Excuse me?
Me: Put it right here. I want to see it. How do I know you're not going to stiff me? I don't know you. If you need to run to the ATM, there's a Bank of America right over there.
Hippie: You're really wasting my time here.
Me: Now you know how the rest of us feel when you asswipes don't take the hint after we say we're not interested. Put down the clipboard, get a real job, and become a productive member of society.

Which pretty much sums up how I feel about these people.

I was almost killed by a Crip last Thursday!

Ok, that's a blatent lie.

Considering he was an Indian cab driver listening to jazz, he probably wasn't a Crip... but if I said I was almost killed by a cab driver last week, I'd just be one of 8.5 million people living in New York City who were almost killed by a cab driver. And he was wearing a blue bandana, the signature of the Crips:


Anyway, the fact that the guy wasn't a member of a powerful gang doesn't make my ride home any less harrowing. I realized I forgot to record the Big Brother: All-Stars premiere, so I left work in a rush and hopped into the nearest cab in hopes of getting home in time. Which, thanks to reckless driving and nearly careening off the Brooklyn Bridge, I actually did.

Consequently, after Big Brother, I needed to watch the Crips episode of South Park:


This is, of course, the episode where Timmy and Jimmy get pissed off about Christopher Reeve getting attention about his handicapability since he was not differently abled since birth, and they start a club for people who HAVE been differently abled since birth, calling it the Crips. Needless to say, they are pleased to find that there is ALREADY a club called the Crips and they have a Denver Five chapter nearby. They win the "club" over by bringing them marshmallows and ginger ale, and then they end the ages-old rivalry between the Bloods and the Crips with an overnight lock-in at the rec center (theeeeeere's piiiiiiiiiizza!). Why didn't they think of that before?

"Major" Problem

Ok, I'm noticing a major problem that's growing exponentially in this country: misuse of quotation marks.

I'm not talking about literally quoting something here. That's pretty cut and dry and most people can still get that right. However, often accompanied by finger quotes in verbal communication, quotation marks are typically around a word to mean either "something like this word" or sarcasm. People fail to understand that quotes are NOT to be used for emphasis.

For example, a bakery near me sells "hot" chocolate, and a deli has "fresh" vegetables. This is in contrast to the way I use them (the correct way). To make my point: my friend Nancy is a person. Paris Hilton is a "person" (because she's really just an amalgam of venerial disease colonies clustering together and happens to resemble a human being).

Is that so difficult to understand?

It's finally here!!

The night I have been waiting for all my life: my first Madonna concert! Every review says it's her best show ever.


That's Music Inferno (Music set to the Trampps' Disco Inferno). I fucking love this worman.

Here are the setlist and costume sections:

Equestrian
Future Lovers
I Feel Love (Donna Summer cover)
Get Together
Like a Virgin
Jump

Bedouin
Live to Tell
Forbidden Love
Isaac
Sorry
Like It or Not

Glam Rock
I Love New York
Ray of Light
Let It Will Be
Drowned World/Substitute for Love
Paradise (Not for Me)

Disco
Music Inferno
Erotica/You Thrill Me
La Isla Bonita
Lucky Star
Hung Up

I can't wait! I've been listening to this album non-stop since it came out in November. I have to clear all the pics off my phone so I can take plenty. Yay! So excited!!!